The perfect addition but a piece is still missing
In December of 2020 I received an early Christmas present. A present I had been dreaming of for a long time, as I found out …. I was pregnant!! I’m sure you can imagine how ecstatic I was to find this out as my husband, and I wanted to have a child and it was truly an answer to our prayers. As with most women, I was nervous as well. Nervous that I may lose the baby as I was only 4 weeks pregnant at the time. Nervous about what the pregnancy journey would be like. Thinking ahead, I began to become nervous about the delivery process, especially as an African American woman. Despite all of the normal jitters, I was still excited because this baby was going to be the perfect addition to our lives. But there was still one thing missing that caused me a different type of nervousness; “How was I going to go through this journey without my mom here with me?”
Like the day you go to find your wedding dress or the day you get married, most women also want their mom present when they deliver their child. And mom’s usually take pride in this moment as well. For me, and for many other angel daughters reading this that are still in your childbearing years, this is not an option and the realization of that bothered me for several reasons.
1. The first person I wanted to tell, after my husband of course, was my mom. Sadly, I couldn’t call her or go see her to tell her. In my head, I imagined the excitement she would have, the big smile on her face and possibly even a scream of joy. If we were in person, I could see her giving me a great big hug and whispering in my ear. All these things that I envisioned brought tears to my eyes and that one question of why? Why wasn’t my mom here to experience this moment with me and for herself?
2. As the visions faded, I began to have another concern, what if I have a miscarriage. Thankfully I had not had any miscarriages in the past, but I have known several people who have and seen how hard and painful it was for them to go through. I certainly began praying and asking God for a healthy and viable pregnancy, but the thought still was in my mind. I didn’t really envision this process but the question of how came to mind. How would I handle this if it happened without the encouragement and support of my mom?
3. After this mix of emotions, then came the reality and forward thinking of the bad. I began to envision the day I gave birth to my child, but my heart was saddened by the thought that my mom would not be there with me during that moment. She wouldn’t be there to hold my hand and tell me to breath and push. And then after the baby is born, she wouldn’t be there to share in that joy with me. She wouldn’t be there to watch her grandchild grow up, to play with them, to spoil them (as I know she would have done) and for me to talk to when I had questions or felt like I wasn’t doing things right. The fact that we would never be able to take a three generations picture. Would I deal with post-partum depression due to missing her presence? So many unknowns.
4. But then came the good. In all of the sad/down things I thought about, the one thing that brought me joy and has been the carrying joyous force in my life throughout this journey. That one thing was that our baby is due this month, August, which is the same month that my mom was born. It was as if my mom sent me a gift to remind me that she is still here and a way to turn my August and December sorrow into joy. I found out about out pregnancy in December, the month she passed, and despite the worries, the hope and joy of carrying this child that would be born in my mom’s birth month truly helped me to have one of the best Decembers I have had since my moms passing. My dad even said to me, “I noticed you seemed really different this year in December” and after finding out about our pregnancy, he then said, “and now I know why.” God truly knows what you need when you need it.
God went even further than just blessing me to carry a child to be born in August, but he gave me a GIRL! Yep, that’s right, this month I will be giving birth to a precious little baby girl. A girl who will carry on the namesake of her grandmother by her middle name and will be born during that same month as her grandmas birthday.
As I near the end of this pregnancy phase and patiently await the arrival of my baby girl, I can truly say there have been good days and bad days but overall, the journey has been beautiful. The fact that not only am I carrying a baby girl who will be born in August but the idea that God loved me enough to choose me and equip my body to carry this child is truly an amazing feeling. Do I still have moments when I miss my mom and wish she was here? Of course I do. Does it still bother me at times that she won’t be there with me in the delivery room? Yes, it definitely does, but I have a picture of her and I that I am bringing as my focal point for the room. Do I feel sad sometimes because I can’t ask her about how her pregnancy experience was with me or how I was as a newborn/infant? I certainly do but thankfully my dad has been there to answer a lot of questions which has helped fill in some of those missing pieces. Do I often times wonder/dream about how this journey may have been different for me if my mom were still here? Yes, I do but I find solace in knowing that she is always with me and that this gift is her way of reminding me of that.
Recently, I have seen several angel daughter sisters announce their pregnancies thus I felt led to write this blog at this time. I’m certain some of you may have the same feelings if you are currently pregnant or you may have these thoughts about getting pregnant in the future. First, I would like to remind you that you are not alone. I have met so many women older than myself who have all said they had some of the same feelings and it’s ok. Of course there will people who will want to help you and try to be extra supportive in an effort to try to fill that vi=oic for you but the reality is no one will be able to replace your mom. So take the help if you need and want it and if you have moments when you don’t, know that it is ok to feel that way too. You have to make sure you do what’s best for you and don’t forget to care for yourself. Secondly, I would like to encourage you from my own personal experience, that although you may have mixed emotions nothing compares to the journey. You will get through it as long as you continue to think and speak positive affirmations over yourself and pray and you’ll be a wonderful mom. And lastly, I encourage you to find that glimpse of hope, your joy factor, because I promise you just like God gave me that joy factor to hold onto, having a baby girl in my mom’s birthday month, He will give you one too.
I ask that you keep us in your prayers that we have a safe and uncomplicated delivery and a healthy baby girl. I hope and pray this blog blesses and helps to encourage someone. I’ll be sure to share a blog about the labor and delivery process and newborn mom phase after she arrives.
Much love to you all!
Charita
A few of our maternity photos courtesy of Artije Photography.
